The best picture of Justin Furstenfeld of Blue October that I was able to capture on the evening of October 27, 2019 at the SI Hall building (at the New York State Fairgrounds) in Syracuse, New York.
One of the most memorable nights of my life I was able to share with my daughter, Lauren.
It was deeply personal and brought us very close together. One of the things that stood out for me was just how much my daughter has grown into a charismatic young woman. Despite everything, she’s living her truth. She’s living her life her way. Without any help from me she has combatted her demons as I was not even aware that she had them. She has surpassed me in so many ways.
God, I love this girl!
Lauren excited to be in this moment. This young woman has changed my life.
Lauren had Facetimed me and had told me that a Blue October concert was coming up the following month. She was just raving about it and thought it would be great if we could go together. Lauren lives many hours away and with my hectic life, I am not as available to her as I want to be. And need to be. She is an amazing person. She is an amazing mother. She has face more demons than I have. She is stronger than I have ever been. She is more than I could ever be. As she should be. And she has protected her son (my grandson) better than I have ever protected her. Life is messy. Life is complicated. Lauren is living her life. Her way. And has found a way to make it work. I was not there for her during some of her darkest times. I was not there during some of her best times. I’m not even there for her during everyday times. Not always anyway.
As Lauren is talking to me about Blue October, I impulsively sought out and purchased two tickets. I did not know if I was even going to be able to make it, but I was going to try my damnedest. I took a screenshot of the receipt and sent it to her. It’s all she talked about for a long time. She was very excited. I was very excited, but wary. I have let her down so many times in life. We both needed this to happen. Things hardly EVER turn out the way I plan. I’m determined, but also pessimistic. When I’m optimistic it’s because I know I can deliver. When I’m pessimistic it’s because I can conjure up the many ways that things can intervene to make a plan fall through. It’s happened my entire life. I put so much time and energy into planning that I have nothing left when the plan fails. Nothing left, except despair.
A series of things happened (of course) that tried to prevent me from making the trip. I persevered. I left late at night, after it was already dark. I HAD to get the senior portraits of all remaining seniors I had photographed to the yearbook advisor JUST IN CASE something happened to me. (Lady Doom N. Gloom, if you please.)
On the way down, I slowed to a crawl on the highway when something reflected light back to me up ahead. I inched closer and closer and then came to a complete stop when I realized there was a full-grown deer just standing there in the middle of the road. I flicked my lights and tapped my horn. The deer moved to finish crossing the road, and I waited. Sure enough, a second deer was right behind him. I heard that there is rarely ever only one. Often, it’s the second one that gets hit when someone is watching the first one. A few more miles down the road, I saw a baby deer standing on the side of the road flicking his ears at me. My heart melted. I saw oncoming headlights and I was filled with a bunch of emotions. I flashed my highbeams in hopes that the vehicle would think there was a cop and would slow way down. I hope the Bambi would run back into the forest. In any case, I prayed…..and then re-lived August. (The good news is that I did not see a dead baby deer on my way back home; I looked).
My father hit a deer this past summer at camp (Adirondack Mountains) when we were about to set out on a kayaking expedition. I can never get that mental video out of my head. Seeing the deer, hearing the collision (I was in the next car back), watching the deer struggle to get up, watching the deer run into the forest, seeing the dent and hair on my father’s van. Seeing my father’s face; feeling his soul. It sucks. He wasn’t even going that fast.
Alas, we made it. I had disappointed her because she was expecting me Friday night and here it was just before Midnight on Saturday night.
But we made it. Lauren said that was all that mattered.
All we did was just relax. I helped her unpack and organize some stuff; we just chilled and listened to Blue October songs.
I spent the morning and early afternoon trying to find out if cameras were allowed in the venue. I could find NOTHING online. After calling the venue, I learned that it was on a case-by-case basis depending on the band. After reading the band’s website, I learned that professional cameras (detachable lenses) were not allowed. I understand it. I completely get it. As a professional photographer I respect it. But as a photographer at heart, I despaired. Anyone who knows me knows that I bring my camera pretty much everywhere.
So……we went to Walmart to get a memory card because Lauren’s boyfriend was going to let us use his Go Pro and I impulsively bought a “non-professional” camera to use at the show. Originally Lauren was going to refuse to let me purchase it and led me to the door, but before we got outside of it, we decided that after the show, it was going to be Lauren’s Christmas present. Then she walked me back to pick it out.
But I have NO IDEA how to use this camera. I’m used to manual mode. I’m used to picking the spot I want to focus on. I’m used to shooting RAW (not JPEG). I’m used heavy camera weight. I’m not used to a tiny weightless thing that has a mind of it’s own where I can’t figure out how to pinpoint what I want to focus on. I charged it on the way back to Lauren’s house and then on the way to Syracuse. I figured out how to use it towards the end of the concert and then forgot again after the concert. Getting old blows.
Now, more of what you ACTUALLY came here to see. Pictures. But I’m going to tell the story too.
Like….we FORGOT the GoPro memory card at my father’s house :(
Here we are standing in line. My father said that there was no point really to getting there too early. :/ I’m going to plan better next time. Apparently there is a genuine perk to being there early.
We were delighted to find out that we did not have to wait in this long line. But even if we did have to, at least the rain had stopped.
The Dinosaur BBQ had been the food vendor and offered a delightful buffet of pulled pork, brisket, cole slaw, and some sort of salad with cucumbers (SO GOOD!). Lauren and I grabbed our plates and sat on the floor with another mom and daughter. It was a mini-bond; we didn’t see them again that night; but it wasn’t their first Blue October concert. It was ours.
Pulled pork (without the bread), brisket, cole slaw, and cucumber salad. MMMMM. The plasticware contained this: eating utensils, a wet nap, and a toothpick!! How thoughtful <3
Justin Furstenfeld’s microphone and gear.
Here it sits. Just waiting.
Waiting for Justin’s heart, mind, and soul to come pouring through from his lips to our ears, hearts, minds, and souls.
Reaching out. Reaching us. Us reaching back.
We wandered into the crowd where we saw a friend of Lauren and Josh’s. He brought us up to stand with he and his friend. His friend was very tall and there were some people around complaining.
This guy has met Justin Furstenfeld and Blue October before and is one of his absolute biggest fans. In any case, he and his buddy (Tall Man) were super awesome to us. He even gestured for a pick to be thrown and gave it to Lauren. MADE HER NIGHT. Of course, this was before the fiasco.
So I checked my Facebook before I left to come to Syracuse and the alert that I had an event to go to popped up. I happened to notice that Sabrina N Pete were coming.
As I walked into the crowd I looked around and wondered if I’d bump into them. It’s rare for me to run into anyone I know anywhere (except the grocery store when I’m unshowered and look the part). Unlike my friend Denise, I can’t take her anywhere because she knows everyone everywhere.
So I look to my right and …… who do I see?
Sabrina and Pete Johnson in the house!!
Want to know the shittiest thing ever? I had a complete brain fart/cloud when it came to introducing her to my daughter. Literally I was searching my mind for the Facebook alert on the concert trying to visualize their names …. Nope. The only friggin thing I could do was say that it was Sam Hess’s sister. Like she knew who Sam Hess was. I was mortified that I could not remember her first name. I see her all of the time. I’ve talked to her over the years! We’ve been friends on Facebook for years!! How in the hell could I forget her name! I know who she is!!!! sigh WTH.
But then Blue October took the stage and we moved on!
Justin comes out and gives a very moving greeting. He talks about the things that he values the most in life. He talks about how full of gratitude he is that we are here. He tells us how much we all matter.
Directly to our left was the seating for people who would have more difficulty navigating through crowds of people. Mr. Furstenfeld spent a lot of time making sure throughout the entire concert to make sure they felt loved and appreciated too.
I have been working with people that have varying abilities for most of my adult life. Back in the mid ‘90’s I started working with people with developmental disabilities and traumatic brain injuries. I worked in Central New York and the Capital District. Working in the Capital District, I covered 13 counties as a caseworker. Then I moved back to Central New York and then Northern New York. 13 years ago, I made a transition from developmental disabilities to mental health. In many cases, the two are not mutually exclusive. People in the throes of psychosis, addiction, anger and rage, power and control, and bounds of social stigma and persecution for the harm done to themselves or others.
I could launch into my own personal Hero’s Journey (still in progress), but this is not the time or place. I will suffice it to say that much of what Blue October is about strikes personal chords that resonate deep within me.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE how Justin and Blue October paid tribute to those in the audience who struggle to be “normal,” while at the same time that tribute does shine a bright light on reducing the stigma that plagues our society as a current and ongoing social issue. Hats off to you, Sir!
Standing right in front of me and singing to those who could not be right in front of him. <3
There is such a raw truth about him. He writes his truth. He sings his truth. Our truths identify with his truth.
Connection.
I LOVE THIS!!! Just a little reminder of home. A little something to have your loved ones with you. <3 So meaningful. Connection.
Connection to a higher power. Something bigger than the self.
Connection between mates.
Then, a terrible thing happened. Lauren & Josh’s friend and his friend (Tall Man) got caught up in something. At the time we had no idea what had happened, but now we do; and it sucks. Apparently Tall Man was holding up his iPad, and someone smacked it out of his hands to the ground. Although not a practical device to bring to a show, they can take great images. They are not cheap. I have an iPad Pro and it currently has a cracked screen. It will cost me more to fix it than to buy a new one. And I can’t afford a new one right now. I do not know if it was an intentional or accidental, but I do know that it resulted in a fight between Tall Man and someone else. And as a consequence, Justin had to stop the show and address the problem. I was suddenly embarrassed for Tall Man, embarrassed for us, and I felt truly bad for Lauren & Josh’s friend who was just caught in the middle (because they came to the show together).
The sad thing is that it is VERY unfortunate that people have to get that angry where they can’t control themselves and fight. I had a $500 camera lens (one of my cheaper lenses) fall to the ground and break but I didn’t go and pick a fight with someone over it. It was upsetting, but come on.
Alcohol does lower inhibitions and allows people to act on things that they may normally have some restraint over, however if violence is in your heart then it never ends well if you drink.
Justin has talked at length in various interviews and songs about his own pitfalls. He has come a very long way in not just surviving his demons, but thriving. You never get over the things you are addicted to. All you can ever do is manage them.
Watching Justin react to the fight that broke out was inspirational. Why? Because you could see that he became triggered. And you could see the steps he was taking and the things that he was saying to literally talk himself out of an anger relapse. It appeared to me, to be genuine. So much in fact, that it was a real-life role-play of how to talk yourself out of anger and back on track. If you watch this, please take caution that there is some profanity in it. However, the profanity is genuine. Any of us can relate to that feeling when we are humiliated by someone’s reckless behavior and puts other people’s well-being or lives in danger on impulse. Or when you’re in the middle of something that is of the utmost importance to you and someone just starts to disrespect you and what you stand for; almost mocking the very struggles that you have worked so hard to surpass.
You can see the inner struggle. You see him say out loud that he has kids. You see him say that by this time in their lives they should be able to STOP a fight or LISTEN to redirection. You see him struggling to regain his composure as he calls out to his Higher Power. Through and through, genuine Justin. He was then handed his guitar and the show went on.
But that’s not even the extent of it! Lauren reached out to the photographer who was hired to photograph Blue October and got the two of us talking. I always have mad respect for other photographers because I feel what they feel. She was such a personable and friendly person. Unlike other photographers. I immediately felt she was a kindred spirit.
I felt compelled to capture a pull-back shot. A picture of her taking a picture. (Later, I’d see her image and it was just fascinating to me!) Forgive mine. Apparently I can’t fix my photos as I’m accustomed to. :( So I’m leaving it dark and crooked.
Ryah Giles is the photographer at Ready for the Afterglow! (click). She is amazing. We connected on Facebook after the afterglow (pun not unintended) and learned that she and I both know a young man in another band. It’s my bestie’s boyfriend but the two of them had worked together. ANOTHER SMALL WORLD MOMENT!! She blew my mind! Truly.
Ryah is capturing a shot as I capture her taking the shot. Her work is SO BEAUTIFUL! You should check it out above.
Some more shots from the show!
It was just before Halloween and Justin had a little bit of Halloween fun!
The woman in the picture below is a very sweet woman. She was standing next to us for a large portion of the show. Ryan Delahoussaye threw a guitar pick to her in the crowd. He looked right at her. He threw it right to her. She was not able to find it. So I started looking around, determined that if I should find it, I would give it to her. It was meant for her, not me. I did not find it, but …. but …. another one was thrown and she DID get it! She was so very happy about that and I was happy for her. At the end of the show, she introduced Tophat Dude as her son! I introduced Lauren as my daughter. There was a small bonding moment, though I did not get their names (hence, “Tophat Dude”).
Mother and son!
Tophat Dude and Lauren! <3
After the concert, there were some ladies that screamed “MOM!” MOM MOM MOM! I asked Lauren what she was doing and the ladies there told me to get in front of them. They said, “We don’t know why we are in this line, but we really feel that we need to be right now.”
So then the moment of truth came. There was Justin and Ryan sitting there. I went check my camera settings to possibly take a picture and was told that I couldn’t. I suddenly felt horrible, like …. maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a camera at all! I was beside myself thinking I had done something wrong. But I didn’t know if he was serious or not because I was taking pictures. I asked him if he was serious and he said that he was and threw in a very rude, “Don’t you think you have enough pictures.?” I asked him if when we got up there he would let us take a picture of him with my daughter. He gave a response something along the lines of at the end, it might be possible. So I looked down at my camera because during the start of the concert my guider beam was on and I felt that it may be distracting to the performers so I was able to figure out how to turn it off. Now I just couldn’t remember how to turn it back on because if he did allow this picture, I didn’t want to mess it up.
So as I’m looking down at my camera trying to read through the settings, a woman said, “I don’t know if you’ve already been told or not but there is no photography allowed right now.” I tried to explain that I was looking to adjust my settings in case he did permit me to take a picture because the other gentleman had said that it may be possible. She got that man’s attention and it was another rude confrontation with him saying, “No, you must have misunderstood me.” I didn’t argue with him. I wasn’t trying to take pictures of him. I just wanted to be ready so if he did grant me a photo, I wouldn’t have to fidget later.
I was embarrassed and a little humiliated because there were other people behind me. I thought that he kind of went a little overboard on his hostility approach but at the same time, I get it. It’s his job. Justin is meeting people and they deserve their right to privacy. I’m a professional photographer. I completely understand this. Despite how rude that man was, I just let it go.
In any case, it was our turn to meet him.
He looked at Lauren and said, “I like your style!”
Then he turned to me, extended and gently grasped my hand in a handshake, looked at me and said, “And I love you!” I was truly blessed in that moment. He was acknowledging my existence on this planet and sending positivity through the air.
Connection.
Justin gives of himself on the stage. He sends out love to all of his fans. I cannot tell you how many times he told the audience how much he loved them. You can see it on his face when he sings how much he loves his wife. His kids. His new life! Him giving compliments and saying something nice to make another person feel important or special for just a moment before going back to the mundane makes a huge impact.
So then the awkward thing happened.
Lauren said, “You have the voice of an angel.”
And of course, I said, “And the voice of Satan’s spawn. It’s a great range.”
WhAT I MEANT TO SAY…..WHAT I MEANT to get across was that it was a poetic range that symbolizes mental illness itself…..what came to mind was bipolar disorder. One extreme to another. And everything in between.
All I wanted was to express just how immensely beautiful ALL OF IT was. And in the end, as often happens, it doesn’t translate fully. :( I truly hope that he did not think I was insulting him.
Well…. guess what. After Mr. Meanie Man walked past me, Justin was on his way by and I politely asked him if we could get a photo of Lauren and him together.
Justin DID permit a photo. And guess what …. I did screw it up :(. The flash didn’t pop up and I never did get that guider to work. But guess what?
It doesn’t have to be perfect. The moment itself was perfect. The picture was proof that my daughter and I had a very extraordinary and memorable night. We met Justin Furstenfeld. It was an adventure that I’m sure Lauren will talk about at my funeral. Of course, it’s good to have the picture because my memory gets fuzzy. I forget things. Important things. I never want to forget this.
Justin Furstenfeld and BLUE OCTOBER ….. WE LOVE YOU BACK! Positive vibes for your loved ones. Stay on task. Build upon each successful battle with your demons. You get stronger. And more than you realize you are reaching so many people who are looking at your success as an inspiration to TRY.
Blue October. One of my favorite bands of all time. A band that, I admit, I had not kept up to date on.
The songs that truly hit my soul in the early Blue October years were (click each song to open a performance of the song by Justin or Blue October - in a new window):
….. and of course,
…. and more recently
Yes, I have songs from other albums that I purchased through iTunes, however those above were THE ONES that I relied on during some of the most troubling times of my life. They are the songs that freeze me in my tracks and I literally feel every note and every emotion I felt back then. I am pulled into the music. Even though I do not have a beautiful singing voice, I am instantly in the song, feeling the song, singing the song, BEING the song.
There is Beauty in the damaged. The neglected. The misunderstood. Hope in the hopeless.
The glory in the journey. The absolute pain in the suffering. Within the suffering there is a moment of stillness. Your mind and soul held momentarily within invisible hands of total and complete peace. There is a resplendent profound meaning in pain. Complete paradox. Accept the pain, reject the pain. Desire peace, embrace the chaos. Believe that peace and love are just not meant for you. There is something else meant for you. Faith that all of the pain and suffering must be for something!